More Champagne Sir? And Other Rhetorical Questions; My Adventure Flying First Class on Richard Branson’s Dreamliner

Last year a couple college buddies and I decided to start the tradition of having a mini reunion in San Diego to watch Football, eat our body weight in burritos and have beer replace water as the most prevalent substance in our bodies.

When it came to picking which airline to fly, I chose Virgin America. I hardly ever fly domestic but I knew that Virgin was owned by the cool and eccentric Ballin British Billionaire Sir Richard Branson. That’s right, Sir. Dudes a frickin knight who throws out first pitches at baseball games and makes cameos on the Simpsons. When’s the last time the CEO of Southwest did anything besides apologize for delayed flights?

Yo Richard if you ever want pitching tips let me know, I played 2 years of little league when I was 8.

I was about to press “purchase” on my flight ticket when a little box popped up and said “would you like to upgrade to First Class for $____” I paused, and the impulsive 5 year old child part of my brain said “Why not ??? You had a rough month and you have some spending money left over, plus there is no way you can afford anything but economy class for a flight longer than 2 hours”. Before the mature then-22-year-old adult part of my brain could offer a rebuttal about putting aside money to invest, save, or maybe buy mom a new blender, I got my email confirmation for the First Class flight I had just booked.

 

Me falling for Marketing 101 methods hook line and sinker. Well played Richard, well played.

 

The following is what transpired between arriving at SFO and arriving in San Diego

Arriving at SFO having already checked-in I walked straight to security. Since it was a Friday evening, the line was packed and never ending, like the line at Ben and Jerry’s on Free Scoop Day, but this Ben and Jerry’s only has one employee working both the scoop station and the cash register and said employee has suddenly decided to take their lunch break. Luckily for me however, my shiny ticket with the word “FIRST” on it meant I got my own line for TSA which was pretty much empty. I made the mistake of not looking straight ahead while walking towards the scanners; the looks I got from the people in the economy line were as if I had insulted all of their mothers.

 

Just your average line for security on a Friday

 

Sidebar real quick: does anyone else think that TSA agents are trained to not show any emotions besides dissatisfaction, annoyance, contempt, disdain and disgruntlement?  I have always tried to make my TSA agent smile but so far to no avail. That doesn’t mean I was going to stop trying though.

As I exited the scanner I was told by my TSA agent (a balding middle-aged Asian man who looked like he’d woken up on the wrong side of bed every day the past week) that I had been “randomly” selected for further screening. After copious pat-downs, metal detector sweeps etc, he pulled out a small sheet of paper like material, rubbed it on my fingers and asked in a perfect monotone “have you recently been in contact with any chemicals or hazardous materials?” Seeing my chance to make him smile I made eye contact and replied loud and clear, “Does Taco Bell count?”

Silence.

He just stared at me, dumbfounded, deer in headlights. I could tell his TSA trained brain was fighting furiously to stick to protocol and not react to clearly what had been a hilarious joke. As this titanic struggle waged within in him I realized I probably should have answered him seriously when it came to testing my fingers for what I assumed was explosive residue or bomb making material seeing as I was a brown guy with a beard and this after all, was the TSA.

That face when you realize you really did not think that through.

After what seemed like an eternity during which I was half expecting to be escorted to a windowless room for interrogation, he cracked a half smile/grimace and told me I was free to go. I counted that as a success in my book.

Unfortunately, upon arriving at the gate it was announced that my flight was delayed by an hour, which then became an hour and a half and then 2 hours. This meant that when it was finally time to board (again I got to go first since you know, First Class and all) the other passengers were quite grumpy and irritated. More on this later.

The first class section only had 8 seats, and man were they posh. They reclined almost fully into beds, had a massage feature and were plush, soft and supremely comfortable. There were 5 more passengers in the section, the guy next to me who we will refer to as “Douche McDoucheFace”, two businessmen across the aisle and a young couple sitting in the row behind me. I sat in my seat and a few minutes later, McDoucheFace took his seat next to me. He had his headphones over his ears and was watching something on his phone with a blank soul-less expression on his face. I tried to make eye contact and smile/say hi but he blatantly ignored me and just kept watching his show, thus earning the nickname”Douche McDoucheFace”. Apparently interacting with other passengers is only done in economy class.

I then decided to shift my attention back to my seat and was exploring the different massage settings when the flight attendant who was assigned to first class handed me a bag of salted caramel popcorn, a chocolate bar and asked me “would you like some champagne”? I looked at her trying to think of the best way to YES without sounding too eager like it was my first time being asked this, while at the same time without sounding rude. My voice decided to crack when I said “yes please” so lord knows what impression she got. Before she could ask McDoucheFace what he wanted to drink he asked for RedWine2Straws1NapkinPrertzels, all in one breathe without looking up from his phone. Apparently being respectful is only required if you fly economy class.

Yes I will take ALL the champagne please.

By now the other passengers were starting to board the plane and here is where the fact that the flight was delayed comes into play. In my ultimate wisdom I had picked seat 1-A, the very first seat on the plane. This meant that the roughly 100 people who thought they would be in San Diego by now and who had probably not eaten dinner or worse missed a connecting flight, board their plane and the FIRST thing they see is me laying flat on my ass watching TV and sipping champagne while eating popcorn and chocolate. I doubt I have ever felt more guilty in my life as I hastily yet casually tried to hide the chocolate and popcorn under my blanket as flustered looking parents carrying toddlers gave me the stink eye as they passed. In an effort to look inconspicuous I chugged my champagne and hid the glass under my seat as one passenger muttered “looks like the trust fund is paying off” right as he passed me. I accidentally made eye contact with the flight attendant which she took to mean “more champagne please” so the next thing I knew there was a full glass in my hand.

Inconspicuously melting into my seat

Thankfully boarding was over quickly and we were on our way. The flight was supposed to be around 1 hour and 15 minutes, but the captain put on the afterburners and went full throttle, like a man whose Viagra has kicked in half an hour too early on the drive home from work, causing the flight duration to change to 50 minutes. For the rest of the passengers in the first class cabin I guess this meant they had 25 less minutes to indulge in free liquor because the flight attendant spent the whole flight pouring countless Vodka Cranberries for the 2 businessmen, providing champagne bottle service to the couple behind me whose giggles got louder and louder with each glass, and endless glasses of red wine to McDouche who proceeded to get redder and redder till his face matched his wine. The whole time he never broke his gaze from his phone.

I nestled into my seat, set the massage intensity to medium and before I knew it we had landed in San Diego where being in seat 1-A actually came in handy because I was the first off the plane. In retrospect, it’s probably a good thing the piloted floored it to San Diego because for as comfortable as I was in my seat, for some reason I  REALLY wanted to get off the plane.

Looking back I realized that all of the guilt that I had gone through was due to the fact that I was being overly sensitive to what was going on around me, rather than just focusing on enjoying myself and the experience. Maybe I felt bad that my trip had gone smoother than the majority of everyone else’s, but then again that’s what I was paying for. The service was great, the attendants were polite, attentive, accommodating and understanding given the delays, I couldn’t have asked for a more comfortable seat and there was unlimited free alcohol. It was definitely worth the extra money I paid.

In a few months my friends and I will be reconvening for our second trip to San Diego and this time I will be prepared to actually enjoy the perks of First Class travel, all 50 glorious minutes of it.

 

Walking through security in 3 months like…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I went to Europe. Here is something I wrote about it.

About 9 months ago while sitting in a Thai restaurant in Fremont,California my friend, who for the sake of this piece we will refer to as Cheetah, leaned over to me and asked “Bro, wanna go to Europe?” In my typical fashion, I didn’t hesitate to say “Yes of course.” Before I knew it I was on a flight to Amsterdam.

What followed was a crazy and unforgettable 16 day romp across 7 countries and 9 cities with 1 Sexy Cheetah, 26 strangers including a Hairy Italian from New York, a Lawyer with the Physique of an Underwear Model, a Puerto Rican Heartbreaker, and to cap it off, the BEST tour guide you could ask for.

Amsterdam AKA: 2 Truths And A Lie… I’m High, I’m Not High, I Used To Play Baseball

 The moment you land in a country and realize EVERYTHING is legal.

 

I probably have PTSD from hearing bicycle bells and diving for cover as a tall Dutch man or women whizzed past on their bike looking politely frustrated at the group of Americans blocking their path. Jokes aside though the best part about Amsterdam was the vibe, everyone seemed laid back, happy and positive. Getting lost while roaming around the canals, not worrying about directions and just going places on a whim became the norm. The atmosphere just made you smile and forget some of the less pleasant things going on in the world. I have a hunch it may have to do with the fact that weed, shrooms and basically everything else is legal but who am I to say.

Frankfurt and Munich AKA: See the Below GIF

NEIN NEIN NIEN NEIN NEIN were the last words uttered from our lips before Cheetah, the Italian from New York and I were almost permanently banned from setting foot in Germany ever again. Before almost getting the boot however, we visited Frankfurt and Munich. We weren’t in Frankfurt for long but getting a view of the city as the sun was setting from 55 floors up was definitely a once in a lifetime experience. I want to visit it again at same point to explore more. Munich was a much older city with beer gardens such as the famous hofbrauhaus full of beer beer beer and a little more beer which was all delicious and tasted leaps and bounds better than anything I have tried stateside. Other highlights included the Olympic Park which was the site of the 1972 Olympic games, a clock tower in the center of Old Munich which gave a panoramic view of the city and the BMW museum where we tried but were unsuccessful in sneaking past security into the new Rolls Royce.

Innsbruck, Austria: AKA The Best Pizza I had in Europe 

We sadly only had a few hours in Austria but the city of Innsbruck seemed like its own little society that was separate from the rest of the world. It felt as if living there was like living in a little bubble and nothing that happened outside the borders of the city affected everyday life. Cheetah and I climbed up a hill as high as we could go to get a view of the city (the things we do for the Gram) and almost died when Cheetah thought it would be a good idea to climb on top of someone’s shed and then stand on my shoulders on top of said shed to take a picture. Surprising fact about Austria, they made the best pizza I had on the whole trip!

Venice and Verona AKA: No We Can’t Uber To The Club, It’s On An Island. 

Italy was hands down my favorite country of the whole trip. Going to Italy is like stepping into a time machine and being transported back to the 15th century while enjoying all the comforts of the 21st century. The architecture, the language, the vistas and countryside all have this rustic flair you have to experience to  understand. From wine-tasting at a local vineyard to inhaling pounds of Gelato and fresh pasta, the food in Italy was another major highlight. An unexpected side of Venice that we discovered was that it has a cracking nightlife and party scene. Everyone assumes that you go to Venice to see the cathedrals, ride the gondolas and soak up the culture, but nestled deep inside the city are some inconspicuous but really fun clubs that are definitely worth a visit.

Assassin’s Creed may not have gotten a lot right, but it did nail the way to get through a crowd in Italy. Don’t stop walking, gently push and keep repeating the word Scusi.

Lucerne Region, Switzerland AKA: The Only Country Where You CAN Be Too Poor To Use The Bathroom.

Ahhh Switzerland. If ever there was a country that was the manifestation of a “perfect and pristine” society, Switzerland would be the winner by a mile. Honestly the word perfect is the best way to describe it. In the cities there was no trash, pollution, nothing out of place. In the countryside, even the grass looked like each blade was cut by a laser, tested for precision with a slide rule and all dyed the same color, while laying on it felt like laying on a bed of feathers. I honestly did not want to leave Switzerland, sitting at the hotel patio at the foot of the Alps and sipping beer with my friends while cracking jokes and talking about life was truly bliss. If time was to stop at that moment and I could sit there forever I probably would. It’s no wonder Switzerland always stays neutral and never goes to war.

To get a sense of the beauty, take a look at the picture below.

View from our Hotel in Engelberg. Shot on iPhone nah fuck that Galaxy S6

However, all of this pristine breathtaking perfection comes with a price; you legitimately cannot be poor and live in this country. Let me break it down for you in simple terms by telling you the price of some basic items. Please note that the value of the Swiss Frank is basically the same as a US dollar.

• Slice of cheese pizza: 9 Swiss Franks
• Tomato and cucumber sandwich: 8 Swiss Franks
• Bottle of water, not the fortified with 111 vitamins stuff, simple water: 5 Swiss Franks
• Bottle of Coke: 6 Swiss Franks
• Wristwatch: 15,000 Swiss Franks and your first born child

But the real icing on the cake was the price to use a public restroom…. 2 swiss franks and no they don’t have change for bill currency, you can only use coins. If you are going to charge me 2 bucks to go to the bathroom, I better walk out of there immune to hepatitis and with a free credit score check or something.

Accurate re-enactment of what happened when I needed Cheetah to spot me to use the bathroom.

Paris AKA: Our Hotel Bathroom Will Never Be The Same Again

There is nothing quite like seeing the Eiffel Tower with your own eyes for the first time, you really need to stop and stare at it for a second to soak it all in. It is, in my opinion, one of the modern wonders of the world. Going up the tower and looking out over the vast city as far as the eye can see is something I don’t think I will ever forget. Paris holds a special place in my heart since my Mom lived there in her 20’s so being able to go and visit in my 20’s felt like I was following in her footsteps in a way. She told me that in her days there, she would sit at cafes along the banks of the River Seine and sip Vin Chaud (Mulled Wine) and study, so I made sure to repeat that minus the studying part and probably with A LOT more wine than she had.

I don’t know how my Mom ever left with sights like these

One thing that stood out to me the most was the constant feeling of stress and tenseness that you could sense from its inhabitants. This was understandable given recent tragic events that had taken place in France but it was more palpable than I expected. All of that aside however Paris was a beautiful city bursting at the seams with culture and history. I got to see the Mona Lisa, the Notre Dam, take a cruise along the Seine, attend a Moulin Rouge-esque show and even catch up with an old highschool friend over the best damn falafel sandwich in the world. Once the sun set we sampled the nightlife which was on a whole other level, something in the air must really bring out the wild side of people. It’s another thing about Paris you need to experience to understand. I left Paris feeling as if I had barely scratched the surface but I know I will be back.

London AKA: Chris, We Can Do This The Hard Way Or The Easy Way, Either Way, It Is Happening. 

Finally and last but certainly not least, we arrived in London. I have always had this weird fascination/love for London and the UK in general. My unhealthy obsession with British Top Gear probably doesn’t help, but it is a city I have always wanted to visit and desire most to live in. Being in London even for the roughly 36 hours we had in the city further reinforced this desire. The weather was quintessentially British, rainy and cloudy with patches of sun followed by more rain, but the whole place just felt vibrant and steeped in history even among the skyscrapers and modern buildings. I think the juxtaposition of Big Ben next to the London Eye is a prime example of the old and the new existing side by side.

London nightlife was the best by far, maybe it was the end of the trip and everyone was in a mood to party and celebrate for a final time, but it was one of those nights you never want to end. Piccadilly Circus where most of the clubs were was teeming with people all out to have a good time even as late as 4am when the clubs finally closed.

Pretty Much Sums Up The Night

 

Aside from visiting the usual tourist attractions, the highlight of London was getting to go to a Premier League Football (Soccer) match, Tottenham Hotspurs vs Crystal Palace. The whole district of Tottenham came out to watch the game, the streets were deserted the shops were empty and the stadium was packed. I don’t think I have ever heard more Fuck You’s and witnessed fans emotions flow from hate to love and back faster than they did during the match. One second the crowd would be cheering the forward streaking down the pitch, the next they would be demanding he be traded and questioning his manhood. The ambiance and energy in the stadium was electric and there was an excited fervor that would ripple through the stadium every time the ball crossed midfield. I’m not even a fan of Tottenham but I found myself getting really into the game. When Tottenham scored the winning goal in the 80th minute, the stadium literally erupted and the stranger next to me gave me a bear hug and we both chanted “Come On You Spurs” with the rest of the crowd.

Great Shot Of The Back Of That Middle Aged Man’s Head

 

That night, while packing for the return flight home, it really felt like I had been gone for months, but at the same time, part of me wished deep down that I was packing for the next leg of the journey. I know I will be back to Europe in the years to come, this trip was just a sampling, a taste of what lies ahead.

Europe was in a word….amazing, but then again how could it not be?

It’s Europe.

Hi this is DJ calling from….. Oh, you already hung-up on me.

Mastering the art of the pitch.

Everyone should have a job in sales for 1 month. Just a month, not a day more not a day less. Trust me, it’s an experience unlike any other. My 2 month foray into the sales world was unique and unforgettable. There were days I loved and was amped to hit the phones, days I hated and didn’t even feel like getting out of bed in the morning, days I was like ehhh, and days I can’t even talk about.

I was never the worst sales rep or account executive as we would call ourselves, nor was I best, I was straight down the middle of the road average. I hit my quota, hit my pitch commit, hit my talk times requirements (most of the time), my manager liked me and my teammates did as well. The reason why I stopped working in sales was because I realized after a couple of months that this was not something I wanted to do as my career.

In order to succeed in sales you have to do a few things.

First: sip the Kool-Aid, inject it, snort it, sleep with it, eat it, shower in it, have some in a flask in your back pocket. You NEED to believe in exactly what you are selling or else you won’t last a week. Enough people didn’t.

Second: Have an awesome manager. Seriously you can have the best sales skills but if you don’t like your manager or vice versa it’s going to be a bleak day in the office. You may think “well duh having a good manager is always important”, but in a sales role where it’s a numbers game and everything is performance based, you need that strong relationship with your manager where there is trust and you know they have your back. Working in sales isn’t glamorous so when you wake up at 6am everyday to be on the phone from 8am to 5pm with people who for the most part don’t like you, it helps to know you have someone motivating you every second of the day.

Third: Have thick skin and no emotions. People will say some real mean things to you but you have to keep your composure and under no circumstances take things personally. Here is a sample of some of the things my callers said to me on the phone.

• You are a detriment to my life and my existence.
• My life is not a joke like yours.
• Never call me again or I will sue you for everything you are worth.
• Get a real job.
• I never want to speak to you again.
• I hate what you stand for.
• I hope you have a lawyer.
• Fuck off (personal favorite)

Fourth: Trust the process. The people training you are the ones who have succeeded in the same seat you sat in and on the same phones. Trust and you will succeed.

That all being said, I had a great time working in Sales. My coworkers were all pretty much my age with similar personalities: friendly, outgoing, energetic and down to earth. Since we were all green when it came to sales we celebrated our successes together, motivated one another, helped each other out and weren’t cut throat about getting ahead. Fridays were spent getting raucous at the bars and weekends everyone wanted to hangout. It was like being in college yet you get paid, have health insurance and a 401K.

Commission Checks and Champagne Baths

At the end of the day I walked away from my experience in sales having learned a lot! Being able to tell when people were lying and calling their bluff became second nature, as did convincing people to do what they didn’t want to do five minutes ago. I got to speak to people from all different walks of life and professions in different states across the US, from plumbers, roofers, dentists, chiropractors, zumba instructors, private nannies, marijuana dispensary owners, and life coaches. I made friends with dozens of secretaries, personal assistants and “marketing managers” all while mastering the art of the voicemail. In fact somewhere on the island of Oahu there is a fashion designer’s assistant who I still owe a drink.

If you are fresh out of college and have no idea what you want to do in life (I had zero clue) then give sales a try while you figure it out, there’s nothing like that rush you get when you hang up the phone after closing a deal. You never know, sales may be the right career for you.

 

Closing deals with your squad like.

Cheers to 2016 and My Top 5

And here we are, 2015 is in the books. Wow what a year it was, probably the craziest year till date. Sure you could probably say that about the last 5 years but this one was really something! College ended, I moved home, working life began, I got to travel a-lot, made some great new friends, got my drivers license etc etc etc.

2015 was the year of success, failure, change, the highest highs and the lowest lows. Looking back on this year I can definitely say that I grew and learned the most about myself and this year instead of having a more “tangible” resolution, I think I will go with one that is more open ended. I resolve to be more open to change and to try and learn as much more about myself as I possibly can.

With all the excitement about a brand new year ahead, a fresh start and starting the next chapter of your life, don’t forget to reflect back onto 2015 and take what you learned so you can tackle 2016 with all you got.

And now for my Top 5 Moments of 2015

5.) Road tripping down to San Diego and going to my first EDM Show.

4.) Going out with a bang for my last ISA Culture Show.

3.) Getting my first job after slaving away for months after Graduation

2.) The night before graduation…..

1.) The PC Graduation party where it literally rained Champagne. Yes you read that right, if you missed it I really am sorry.

That’s all for 2015 folks! I kept it short since there are parties to go to and fireworks to watch. This has been fun! As a last resolution I resolve to be on top of getting more posts out without excuses ! Be safe out there tonight and Happy New Year 🙂

 

 

 

Mr.Abrams, A Letter For You.

Dear Mr. Abrams,

The ball is in your court, the hopes and dreams of literally millions of people rests entirely in your hands. Don’t mess this up. We have been slighted in the past by some guy named Lucas, from 1999-2005 he played us three times in the ultimate long con. He took our money with false promises of adventure, epic heroes, legendary villains and mystical forces in a galaxy far far away. Instead we got unnecessary scientific explanations of midi chlorians, an unbelievable romance (in the bad way), underwhelming villains and uninteresting stories about galactic trade treaties. If that wasn’t enough, how could we forget the completely unnecessary comic relief character we all unapologetically felt like strangling?  As millions of voices cried out in terror, Lucas laughed his way to the bank. Put in all the lens flare and snap zoom camera techniques you want JJ, just don’t keep the con going.

The Star Wars community, everyone from the die-hard fans who pitched a tent for the premiere of the Revenge of the Sith, to those who watched A New Hope in theaters in 1977, to the millennials who grew up playing The Phantom Menace on PlayStation 1 is abuzz with excitement. More than just being a compelling story, what makes Star Wars special is the fact that, over a span of 40 years, it has brought together people from all over the world, from all walks of life, backgrounds, careers and ages. It doesn’t matter where you went to school or how much money you have, you are still part of that community that all loves the same thing. At the end of the day it shows us that we really aren’t that different from each other after all.

Just how it took almost 20 years for the Empire to create a fully operational Death Star, technology has come a long way since the 70’s and being a fan and a member of a community is easier than ever thanks to social media. Now, a fan sitting in Miami can duel another fan sitting in Dubai as to whether or not they think Rey is Han and Leia’s daughter. By providing a platform for interaction, social media has made the world a smaller place. A hundred years ago, a community would have been a group of people living in the same area with similar traits, such as the Chinese community in San Francisco, or the Italians in Long Island, New York. Fast forward to 2015, and the definition and manifestation of a community has expanded well past geographical borders and limitations allowing people with similar passions, hobbies, skills, and talents to come together and interact with one another as a community.

People have a chance here to be brought together at a timewhen let’s face it, humanity needs a win. The ice caps are melting, war is ravaging Syria, refugees are drowning in an attempt to reach Europe and Donald Trump is the front-runner for the Republican Party. If we can find one thing that can bring us together, even if it may be for a couple hours then that’s a win for humanity in my book. The cultural phenomenon that is Star Wars is a testament to that.

I hope you see just how important it is that the Force Awakens is a success Mr. Abrams. When I walk out of the theater on the 18th of December having watched the movie I have waited for since 2005, geeked out over ever since the cast was announced, and spent 2 hours buying tickets for, I want to have only two words for you; Thank You.

Sincerely,

Dhananjai Shastri

All We Know Is, We Called Him The Stig.

DISCLAIMER: I wrote this post a while ago and since then the Top Gear Trio and head producer signed a deal with Amazon to make their own TV Show which I can’t wait to see. In the meantime though…

There is a palpable sense of loss when something you know, love, have come to appreciate, admire and respect is suddenly and ruthlessly taken away from you in a blink of an eye. Gone, zilch, kaputz, sayonara. That sense hit home when with a swing of his fist in a fit of immature and apish aggression a man better known as “the orangutan” sent the most widely watched factual television program in the world, and my guilty pleasure, careening off the road over a cliff and into a massive fireball from which there was no recovery. The show that made every petrolhead’s wildest and zaniest dreams come true was totaled.

To say that I liked Top Gear would be an understatement. I didn’t just watch Top Gear once, have a good laugh and then move onto the next show. I watched all 22 seasons……. THREE times, back to back to back during college. I watched it before going to bed, while cooking, while doing homework, while studying, pretty much whenever I wasn’t sleeping.

There are a variety factors that could have led Mr. Clarkson to punch producer Oisin Tymon in the face, from the less than ideal filming conditions to the sub par plate of cold cuts he was served for dinner. However the fact of the matter is that Jeremey Clarkson broke the playground rule everyone’s mother tells them when they are growing up; use your words not your fists.

While the punch alone was not the knockout blow for the show, Clarkson’s eventual sacking because of the incident and Hammond and May’s refusal to resign with the BBC spells the end of Top Gear as we know it, for without the trio of Clarkson, Hammond, and May there is no Top Gear. The show had worked for 22 seasons because of the natural and unbridled chemistry between the three presenters. If someone could bottle that chemistry and reproduce it, they would strike television gold. Each season their antics would grow, thanks largely in part to the show’s budget which grew exponentially. Before you knew it they were racing a Bugatti Veyron against the Royal Air Force and driving to the North Pole in a Toyota pickup truck.

Those days are now gone and only the top brass at the BBC knows what the future holds for the new Top Gear. As for our beloved trio, yes the jokes were starting to get a little stale, the competition between the three a bit more predictable, and short of driving through North Korea, the world was running out of roads for them to leave their tire marks on. None the less I will always miss settling down on a Sunday evening to watch the latest episode of that pokey little motoring show on BBC2. As James May would say:

Baby Krishna and Marty McFly

With this being the 30th anniversary of Back to the Future, I thought I would talk about my experience with time travel.

 Last weekend I saw my life flash before my eyes. This wasn’t caused by a near death experience; it wasn’t my past that appeared before me for a few seconds and then vanished. I saw my future playing out in front of me. Here’s the kicker. It was the same as my past. Don’t worry, I’ll explain.

In America, Americans celebrate their culture by barbecuing American beef while drinking American beer with Nascar on in the background. In America, Indians celebrate their culture by renting out a high school, strapping on their Apple Watches, cracking out their Indian traditional clothing, and watching their families sing and dance for a few hours on stage then by mingling and talking about algorithms and curry spices while India’s version of Spotify called Saavn blasts in the background. For those of you who are having trouble visualizing it:

The men think they look like this.

The women think they look like this….

Growing up there were many weekends spent in similar gatherings celebrating the birthday or existence of one of the 330 million gods we are blessed to have in Hinduism. Except back in those days instead of Apple Watches it was the latest Blackberry and instead of renting out a high school it was the local park. Countless hours were spent in interminable boredom watching my siblings dance and sing and thinking “my parents said it was a birthday celebration; that means there is cake at the end right ?” and then being disappointed to find out it wasn’t that kind of birthday party. According to my parents, god was too old for cake. Don’t get me wrong, I love my culture but when you are five years old its hard to stay engaged. When I got to high-school my siblings were too old and my parents too busy to go to such events anymore and my memories of dressing up as baby Krishna once a year began to fade……. until a few weeks ago.

A very good friend of mine was performing in a cultural event celebrating, you guessed it, a god. Being the awesome friend that I am, I went to go watch and support her at the local rented out high-school with one of my buddies who funnily enough decided to wear his Apple watch for the occasion. Being Indian, the performance didn’t start on time, so instead of getting there right at the perfect moment to watch our friend dance and then dip, we got to sit through an hour of Indian song and dance.

That’s when it all began, the flashes. It all seemed so familiar, like I had been here before. Next to me there was a grown man wearing an Apple Watch in full Shah Rukh Khan ( look up it’s the guy on the right)  form shaking his hips like Shakira and cheering like a 12 year old at a Beiber concert while his wife got her 15 seconds of fame onstage dancing to classic Bollywood songs. I turned to my buddy and said, “Bro, is this going to be us in 30 years ?” he stifled a laugh, turned to me and said “Shit bro, it’s looking like it”. I turned back to the stage as the dance came to an end and the man next to me started whooping and shouting “One more time, one more time!”

The Pride of the NFL: The NFC EAST.

Somewhere in Kansas City, Andy Reid is guffawing over his walrus mustache thinking “and they thought getting rid of me would solve their problems…. suckersssss.” Week 2 of the NFL season is in the books and sure Reid’s Kansas City Chiefs quite literally coughed up their victory on Thursday to the aging Field Marshal Peyton Manning, but at least their 40 million dollar running back isn’t averaging a solid .88, yes .88 as in less than 1 yard before contact and currently experiencing the worst rushing start of all running backs in the last 55 years.

Somewhere in Buffalo LeSean McCoy is flashing his 40 million dollar smile as he checks his stat sheet, 32 rushes, 132 yards, 4.1 yards per carry average. “HAH” he chortles as he heads out of the building in Florham Park, “and they thought getting rid of me would solve their problems…. suckersssss.” Week 2 of the NFL season is in the books and sure McCoy’s Buffalo Bills were served a fat 40 Burger by the GOAT (greatest of all time) Thomas Edward Patrick Brady, Jr, but at least they can say it was Brady who beat them, not a Dallas Cowboy’s team that lost their star gun slinger Antonio Ramiro Romo in the 3^rd quarter to a broken collarbone and were led to victory by a 31 year old 4^th year backup QB who’s highlight reel includes the following.

Some say, it’s the worst interception of all time, extra points for the acrobatic fall at the end.

You are only as good as your worst Weeden. I mean player.

The guy cant navigate around a flag before kickoff, let alone an NFL offense. America doesn’t need God’s blessings, Brandon Weeden does.

Moving on from Dallas and Philadelphia, the Redskins are somehow second place in the NFC East, with Robert Lee Griffin the III inactive as of last week. At this rate Kirk Cousins will go down as the best Redskins starting QB since Joe Theismann. Is it too early to cue the RG3 Tim Tebow comparisons for greatest flash-in-the pan player ever ? Or how about, number 1 player Skip Bayless staked his reputation on ?

Finally we get to the New York Football Giants and their 2 time Super Bowl MVP quarterback Elisha Nelson “Eli” Manning. I’m not joking, his first name really is Elisha. The Giants proved once again that they can’t hold onto a lead when it matters the most and their season is going to boil down to a highlight reel of the following……

IV HAD IT WITH YOUR SHIT ELISHA! Here take this 84 MILLION DOLLAR contract extension.

What is this nonsense Elisha. Don’t make me wish we hadn’t traded away Phillip Rivers away all those years ago.

Somehow this guy has more rings than Peyton, gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “Any given Sunday.”

I end this post with this parting wisdom…: CUSTOM MADE SMOOTHIES DON’T WIN GAMES CHIP KELLY! DESEAN JACKSON, LESEAN MCCOY, JEREMY MACLIN AND NICK FOLES DO. THANKS FOR RUINING MY SUNDAY. I’LL HATE YOU TILL KICKOFF NEXT WEEK WHERE ILL LET MY DEFENSES DOWN JUST LONG ENOUGH FOR YOU TO ENRAGE ME AGAIN.

See yah next week!

The Oldest Trick In The Book

Breakups are tough man, but shaving your head, going blonde and getting your nose pierced, yeeeesh.

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     What do Zayn Malik and I have in common? It’s a question I get asked a lot and I have decided to answer it once and for all, to set the record straight. Aside from the obvious things such as ravishingly good looks, professionally trained singing voices, over 15 million Twitter followers and not being part of One Direction, we both decided at a pretty young age that we thought we knew who we wanted to be with for the rest of our lives. Emphasis on the word thought, as in past tense, meaning not anymore.

      My boy Zayn and I thought we had it made. OKAY maybe he isn’t actually “my boy” and yeah okay I admit I used his name to get you to read this far and yeah yeah I wasn’t actually engaged where as he was and yeah yeah yeah I was lying about ONE of the things we have in common, but I promise it wasn’t the last thing. Moral of the story: being in love is awesome, it’s great, it gives you purpose, it makes you smile without even being aware of it, gives you credibility and most of all it gives you happiness and likes on Instagram.

      However, it also makes you unbelievably stupid, naive, blind, biased, and exhausted. Now I’m not trying to be negative and bash on the people in their early 20s who have been with their significant others for years and are going strong, my sister met her husband when she was 20 and they got married 9 years later. Nor am I being bitter because things didn’t end up working out as planned. I am just being honest.

     For every happy ending there are a dozen not so happy ones and I’ve made a lot of the textbook mistakes one can make when they are under the influence of one the strongest forces known to mankind. If there is one thing I learned from my four year foray into the world of the long-term-relationship, it’s that above all, KNOW what is right for you, not what you THINK is right for you. Don’t force and convince yourself that you want something, if you really do then you won’t ever second guess it and you won’t find yourself losing sleep over your predicament.

     “The person you are when you are 18 is not the person you will be when you are 24”. My mom told me that when I came to her while she was gardening one evening the summer I turned 18 and said I had a girlfriend. “Know that what makes you happy now isn’t necessarily what will make you happy several years down the line, but I will support you no matter what” she continued. That is one piece of advice that I will never ever forget and I kept thinking back to her words when 4 years later I gave her the sad news.

     Me and Zayn may have nothing in common, but we were both human beings who fell for the oldest trick in the book.

Love.

The Underwoods, redefining relationship goals since 2013.

Hello world!

Hey everyone, if you made it to this page I would like to say  THANK YOU! Here is a quick intro: My name is Dhananjai, you can call me DJ. I love football  (GO EAGLES AND NINERS) and movies and video games and cars and an assortment of other things. I also love to write, which is the motivation behind this blog. There is no theme per-se, it’s really what comes to mind in the spur of the moment but there will be at-least one football post and one random post a week. Forgive my editing if you do end up reading my posts, I never payed attention in grammar class ;). Like the header says, I am justanotherbrownguy.

Cheers!!